From the Beginning

I never saw myself creating a blog or sharing our story on a public platform so bare with me as it's been a long bumpy ride for us all haha, My pregnancy and birth with Rhys was by no means smooth sailing, it was rough and hard but boy was it worth it!. Seeing him the first time I couldn't believe how beautiful he was! My perfect baby boy was finally here. This was it! My dreams had come true, I had found the perfect man and we had our perfect baby. It was my perfect ever after!.... It still is my perfect ever after just not how I dreamt it.

On day 2 of life Rhys ended up in special care because of his blood sugars and his low temp which they thought was also causing him to be drowsy and too tired to feed properly. but he had just been through the most exhausting experience of his little baby life and that made sense haha, I remember talking to my now husband and mum that day about how he had saggy skin and his limbs were so scrawny that they thought it was his placenta in the final stages of pregnancy not working so he would've lost weight. Looking back now, knowing what we know it all makes sense but back then there was no way to piece those 2 very small puzzle pieces together when they were on opposite sides of the puzzle and so common. The next 3 weeks are a blur! We had literally a newborn every mum dreams of! He barely cried, slept all night from 3 weeks old, self settled without even trying, we had to wake him for feeds... I mean a dream newborn.

Those 3 weeks go by and I was sick, really sick. Nearly every night was the same thing, Mark at home with the baby and my mum and I in and out of ED because I was curled over in severe pain, This went on for weeks. It was horrible... My first mothers day I ended up being admitted with pancreatitis and gallstones (common after pregnancy apparently) which resulted in a 5 day sat in hospital with Rhys and a support person so I wasn't separated from him, 3 weeks later I was back for surgery, by this time Rhys was 3 and a half months old. We are so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing support system that helped us get through this time because the pain flares and hospital visits seemed endless and with Marks job being in hospitality last minute time off was not always possible.

I remember a moment when Rhys was about about 3 months old, he was sleeping in my arms and I was looking back at photos of him on my phone and it broke me... I couldn't recall so many of these moments in time that were captured. Those memories were gone and in that moment I realized all this time I was going through the motions but because I had been in so much pain and struggling so much that I hadn't formed a proper bond with him and to be completely honest I kind of resented him. The mum guilt flooded in and consumed me.