Over the next 2 months I was able to bond much more with Rhys, the resentment was gone, the pain was gone and that we were all happy and healthy. Life was back on track . We spent the next few months in a whirlwind of happiness, we moved into our own rental, we set up our home together, things were good.
Rhys was always so happy! but at this time he ended up in hospital several times with bronchiolitis, he just couldn't shake it. He handled it so well though, he's honestly such a damn trooper! He handled it like a boss, but it seemed like he was constantly sick. Our GP at the time wasn't worried though, everything was 'viral' (I still cringe every time I hear a Dr say that haha) and of no concern.
Then one day we had our 2nd Plunket appointment haha, I know, I know but everybody has different views on Plunket and honestly our lady was amazing! She was kind, understanding and supportive. I remember we were sitting in her little room, it was Mark's day off so he had come with us and we were doing the typical proud first time parent thing, boasting about our incredible and advanced bundle of joy LOL. We all do it! Think our baby is the superior baby because we are the world's best parents haha. And we are! They are!! Growing, learning the new world they have just entered must be rough and keeping a tiny human happy and healthy is nothing to laugh at. It's just amusing because we all do it and so many try to deny doing it. But anyway I digress.....
In that appointment they did all the standard stuff, measurements, weight, milestone checks, you know... All the usual's. but when she went to do the head lag check she repeated herself a few times and then asked us a few questions. We walked away with a few exercises to try at home to see if that helps and reassurance that it's totally normal especially since he had been so sick so much. When I tell you I went home and researched possible causes, reasons and natural remedies I don't mean it lightly haha. I made sure they were done religiously I mean it!. I was obsessed...
Logically I knew it was of no fault of our parenting but the mum guilt, ahh the mum guilt had a mind of its own. I had convinced myself it was due to some gap I had in my parenting. The thoughts were so consuming! Lying in bed at night beating yourself up, wondering if what you did today was enough, if I could have been a better mum that day, what I'll do better tomorrow. blah blah blah.... I feel like mum guilt and mental health after having a baby especially if that experience is in any way traumatic or if our babe not learning by the book they all expect them to is such a taboo subject and so many mamas hide how they are feeling in fear of judgement but in reality we are judging ourselves so much more harshly than most other people would.
Anyway back to our journey, So over the next few weeks my mummy radar was sending out signals like crazy! I had this relentless twinge that something wasn't right, I was at our GP at least once a week, I was googling up a storm and my poor Mama and Mark had constant phone calls with concerns or questions (to be fair they both still do and I'm not even sorry haha). It consumed my interactions with him and at the time I thought it was because I was worried about him but I now know it was yes because I worried about him but also because somewhere deep down I knew something wasn't right.
